"Michell's Weekly Pearl"...(Tired of Being the Bank)



an advice column question about feeling used
Hope you all have had a wonderful week so far! I thank you for joining me for another edition of  "Michell's Weekly Pearl", where I seek to use Godly wisdom to offer encouragement. If this is your first time visiting, let me tell you a little about my advice series. This is where you can ask me anything on marriage, women's issues, family matters, relationships, parenting, homemaking, or life in general. If you want an honest, biblically based, to the point answer; email me your questions via prowessandpearls@gmail.com (please put "MWP" in the subject area). I'll post your question, along with my answer, anonymously. Easy as that! I'll also delete your email once I've transferred your question. To read all the questions and answers in this series, you can do so (HERE).



Keep sending those questions in!!! In the meantime, read on to see what "Tired of Being the Bank" asked...



Hi Michele! Thanks for taking my question. My sister and her husband are constantly asking my husband and I for help. I’m not talking about any kind of help, but financial help. My brother-in-law doesn't work a job and is constantly trying out new ventures, I feel at our expense, while my sister is supporting him. Not that I don’t want her to support him, but she’s supporting him emotionally, while we’re supporting them him financially. Not that we're in the poor house, but we do have children of our own and we just don't want to keep supporting grown-ups! We never ask for it back and they never offer to pay it back either. My sister is a sweet person and I don’t want to hurt her feelings, but we can’t continue to be their bank. How do I sweetly and gently tell my sister that we can’t do it anymore, without hurting her feelings?


"I can only imagine what an awkward position you must be in. I’m not sure if your sister is being super sweet to you and your husband because she knows that what her and her husband are doing is wrong. I say that, because sometimes the people who are closest to us know how to pull on our heart strings. You didn’t mention how your husband feels about it, but I’m pretty sure he’s not a happy camper. I’ve got a feeling that’s why you’re asking the question! :-) But, if he hasn’t voiced his opinion one way or the other, I can assure you he doesn’t like being put in that position one bit.  My husband taught me and I always pass this bit of wisdom on...to always confront a situation before it gets out of hand. You never want to get to the point where your heart is hardened towards someone(especially loved ones), because anger, disdain and bitterness have set in. I suggest you and your husband sit down and have your game plan together, because with most family members and friends for that matter(when confronted), put up a BIG wall of defense and lay on the guilt trip! Be prepared, but don’t back down!! I’m pretty sure they already know that what they’re doing is not right, like most people, they’re gonna milk that cow for as long as they can! When you confront a situation before it gets out of hand, you’re more likely to do it in LOVE. Remember, there’s never a need to attack anyone when you’re trying to make a point either, that way they’re more apt to receive what you’re saying and to be quite honest, they won’t be able to accuse you of anything, but telling them the truth. You leave the situation knowing that you’ve done what you were suppose to and you’ll more likely stick to your guns. To be quite frankly all you and your husband are doing is enabling your brother-in-law. If he knows you're always going to be there, then why should he get a job? Don't get me wrong, there will be times when we help out those we love, BUT there is a fine line between being a blessing and being used. Guess what, the Holy Spirit will ALWAYS let us know which one we're dealing with! If your sister and brother-in-law really look at the situation rationally, they already know what they’re doing is wrong. If they have any ounce of integrity, they’ll come back to you and thank you for telling them the truth in love. Hope that helps…will be praying for you and all involved.  Have a wonderful weekend!" James 1:5, 1 Corinthians 16:14

Readers...have you ever found yourself enabling a family member or friend? If so, what did you do to stop it?


I’ve been married for over 24 years to my husband, a pastor. I’ve worked alongside him in ministry full-time for over 17 years. During that time, we've pioneered two ministries and I've established a women’s ministry(Women of Excellence). We have three adult children and a son-in-law.  My areas of specialty are family, marriage and women’s issues. Hopefully the (Godly)wisdom I’ve learned through my years of experience will lead you to and keep you on the road to doing you well!  As my husband always says...why spend your life going down a road you don't have to travel, when someone else has already learned the lesson and can show you how to avoid that path.  


*Disclaimer*: I don't profess to be an expert, but what I have learned...I'm willing to share.  With that being said...what I write on my blog is my opinion and advice. It is not my counsel. This also applies to anyone writing on this blog. If someone uses any advice, opinion or recommendation from this blog and is upset, angered, or harmed in any way, I am not to be held responsible or be held liable in any way. What I write on this blog is not to be taken as fact or absolute. My intention is to do no harm. The content in this blog is the opinion of this blogger and is not intended to disparage or malign anyone or anything that has the ability to be offended. I am not responsible, nor will I be held liable, for anything anyone says on this blog in the blog comments.
All Rights Reserved copyright© 2012-2013 Michell Pulliam “Prowess and Pearls” Devotionals by Michell Pulliam







18 comments:

  1. I was right there with your thoughts on enabling. I have been in their position before for a VERY brief moment. I nipped it in the bud QUICK! People assume that if you look to be in a better place financially that you can afford to take them on as dependents...NOPE!

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    1. Haha Joi! I was so waiting to see what your response to this post was going to be!;-) IKR...don't get me wrong, there are times when we help out, but when I have to add you to my payroll, that's a sign we've gone way too far, lol! :-) As always, thanks for chiming in Joi! Have a wonderful evening!

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  2. Hi Michell! Fortunately, I have not been in this situation before, but I can only imagine how hard it must be. You love your family, but then they use you. That's what this guy is doing. He dreams up the job, and then finds someone else to bank it. And you end up feeling bad??? Crazy.

    I can only pray that we honor each other in better ways.
    Happy weekend!
    Ceil

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    1. Hi Ceil! Sad isn't it? Exactly...we.must.do.better towards one another. Thanks so much for dropping by...have a lovely evening!

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  3. I have not been in this position, but I think you have given very sound advice. It may be uncomfortable to address things, but better to do it NOW than later.

    Also, when addressing maybe they can try the Compliment Sandwich. {I learned that from another blogger, cannot claim it for myself!} Say a positive, then the negative followed by a positive. Maybe, "You are very creative and I think it's great that you want to be an entrepreneur, but unfortunately, we just can't continue to fund your endeavors. It's putting a strain on our family {whether emotionally of financially - it's true} and over time we've supported your vision. Though we can no longer provide you money, I'll be praying the Lord leads you to breakthrough in this area of your finances. I'm confident that good things are coming for you."

    That's all I got. LOL!

    XOXO,
    Meredith

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    1. Haha, yes Meredith...I learned that in a seminar about 5 years ago! Too funny! I apply it to every situation...writing letters to parents, writing blog post, ministering to people, etc. It makes the other person put their defense down. Wow Meredith, that's all you got, lol...I hope they read this! You said it perfectly girl...now who could be offended by that! Lol! Btw...I haven't forgotten! :) Have a wonderful evening my friend!

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  4. Your blog is lovely!!!! Would you like to follow each other on bloglovin' ? xxx
    Gleaming Spire // Bloglovin'

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    1. Hi! Sure would...I'll head over to your blog in a few! Thanks so much for your kind words and thanks for stopping by...have a lovely evening!

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  5. I think your response in right on point Michell. My hubs is pretty compassionate, but he is much better able to decipher when we are potentially being used. I've been in similar situations and thank God for my husband because, while he supports me giving to friends and family, he will quickly nip it when he needs to...and I let him :)

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    1. Lol Hope! THANK GOD FOR OUR HUSBANDS!! In the infamous words of Barney Fife....nip it, nip it in the bud! Thanks for stopping by lady...have a wonderful evening!

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  6. It's not a good situation to be in when you find yourself supporting someone else irresponsibility. As you pointed out, left unchecked one can be resentful. As usual you always give out wise advice.

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    1. IKR Wanda...I'm sure it can be a very stressful situation. When you see it getting out of hand, is the time you need to put a stop to it. I've seen so many family members fall out over issues dealing with money. Thanks so much for stopping by...have a blessed evening!

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  7. We have helped our children, but we have also required them to get a JOB! When it is their money they are spending, they tend to be much more cautious with how they invest it.

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    1. Hahaha Donna...IKR! It doesn't matter HOW old they are...they are VERY liberated when it comes to our money and very frugal when it comes to theirs...too funny! :-)

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  8. I absolutely agree with your input in this issue Michell!! You said it best, and you always do my friend!! I pray this person does confront this circumstance with love but most importantly with peace in knowing that she is helping them by NOT helping them! XO

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    1. Aww...thanks Chris!! Exactly...I pray that God graces her words, because people are so easily offended these days. Thanks for chiming in my friend! ;-)

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Thanks so much for dropping by...I really appreciate it! Please check back for a response to your comment, as I post all responses to comments here on the blog, not via email. Please note, as this is a Christian blog...any comment that contains offensive and/or inappropriate language will be sent to the authorities...NAH, but seriously though, they WILL BE deleted. :-) Have a great day...I call you blessed! ;-)