Keep sending in those questions!!! In the meantime, read on to see what "Not Sure What to Say" asked...
Good Evening Michell,
I’m in quite a pickle. My best friend’s sister died last
week and I feel like an idiot, because I have not talked to her yet! I’m sure
you’re saying, what kind of best friend could I be? It’s not that I don’t want
to talk to her, it’s just that I don’t know what to say. I feel awful, because
so much time has passed and I think that it’ll just be awkward to say something
now. On the other hand, I don’t want her to think that I don’t care,
because I do. It’s just that I’ve never experienced anything like this before.
Any advice on how I should handle this? I’m asking you because I know with you
being a minister’s wife, you’ve dealt with situations like this before. I
attend a large church and would feel awkward asking our minister, seeing as if
he may not even know who I am. Sad I know. Thanks in advance for your help!
"Hi, “Not Sure What to Say”. You’re so welcome…thanks for
your question! I want to first offer condolences to your friend for the loss of
her sister. Secondly, whatever you do, DON’T beat yourself up! Dealing with the death
of someone can be such an awkward position to be in, as you’re not sure what to
say or how to say it. You may fear that if you mention the person who died,
that may bring more grief, so you’re left in a position of just not knowing. I
can tell you, before I lost my mother I was always under the impression that it
would be disrespectful to mention the deceased. Oh how wrong I was. I took
great comfort in knowing that people loved her like I did and that she brought
joy to their lives as well. One fear family members who’ve lost loved ones have, is
the fear that their loved one will be forgotten. So when I hear someone talk
about my mother, it brings a smile to my face, knowing they're still thinking of
her.
Sometimes, you don’t need to say anything when someone
experiences death. Just being there with them is enough. Them knowing you’ve
got their back is sufficient. You can make her a meal and take it over and just
let her know you wanted to give her some time to spend with her family. People
don’t realize that the worse time for a survivor is the day after their
loved one’s funeral. That’s when reality sets in. The meals have stopped,
people have stopped coming over and gone back to their normal lives and they’re
left to deal with their grief…ALONE. So I think your timing would be perfect,
because she’ll need you now more than ever. She may not say a thing, but just
cry on your shoulder…and that’s fine. She’ll find great comfort in knowing
you were there when everyone else had gone. I’m not sure how close you were to
her sister, but if you’ve got pictures of her, it would be a nice gesture to
make or offer to make a scrapbook of her sister. Believe me, that would make
her day! I’ll be praying that God gives you the courage to reach out to her and
that all goes well when you speak with her. Thanks so much for your question…have
a blessed weekend!"
I’ve been married for over 24 years to my husband, a
pastor. I’ve worked alongside him in ministry full-time for over 17 years.
During that time, we've pioneered two ministries and I've established a women’s
ministry(Women of Excellence). We have three adult children and a
son-in-law. My areas of specialty are family, marriage and women’s
issues. Hopefully the (Godly)wisdom I’ve learned through my years of experience
will lead you to and keep you on the road to doing you well! As my
husband always says...why spend your life going down a road you don't have to
travel, when someone else has already learned the lesson and can show you how
to avoid that path.
All Rights Reserved copyright© 2012-2013 Michell Pulliam “Prowess and Pearls”
by Michell Pulliam
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I'm adding my 2 cents bc I've seen this happen before. I ditto what Michell said bc ppl are on to the next tradegy or gossip after a funeral and forget about the person in mourning. She will appreciate you. However, you need to fix the time lapse. Ppl expect their inner circle to be there, I mean really be there even if you're just hanging out. They will hold grudges forever for you not contacting them especially if you knew how close they were. I would apologize wholeheartedly and share that you were nervous or whatever in not knowing what to say. Praying she has an open heart. I'm sure she could use a sister friend.
ReplyDeleteToo funny Joi!! I was so busy answering this, I totally FORGOT to add that part...I had every intention of telling her to ask for forgiveness, but was rushing out of the house this morning! Ugghh, I hate that! Well said my friend! You said it so eloquently, I don't have to go back in and edit, lol! Well, maybe I will(seeing as if I'll be putting this series in book form in the future. ;-) Thanks Joi...I know I could count on you girl to help a sistah out!!! Blessings my friend!!
ReplyDeleteI second that 100%!!! Don't waste one more minute!! I hate to say this, but it's true. She is being selfish, in her own discomfort. She needs to step out of her comfort zone to care for her friend- just being PRESENT during this time is critical.
ReplyDeleteI pray she can have the strength to push herself out of her own 'stuff'' and into the darkness that her dear friend is in- she needs to STAT.
It is isn't it Chris! Sometimes we don't need to say anything, just being there is more than enough! I pray she does as well my friend, hopefully ASAP!
DeleteI agree that she should not allow anymore time to pass and talk to her friend. She needs her now and the longer she goes without reaching out, the more difficult it might become. I pray God gives her the strength to be there for her bestie.
ReplyDeleteYes Hope! The more time that lingers, the more difficult it becomes! I once did that when my best friend's father passed away. I regret it to this day!
Deletei have to agree with joi. we expect our best friends to be there for us. here's how i like to think of it. how would you want to be treated if you were in the same situation and your sister passed away? would you want silence? would you want no one to contact you? of course not. you want support. you want to be heard. you want friends to say they're there for you and that they're sorry. that's what you need to do!
ReplyDeleteExactly Catherine! Do unto others as you would want them to do unto you. Yes, sometimes it may be awkward and scary, BUT we must put that aside and do the right thing! Thanks so much...don't know how I missed your comment! :-)
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