"Michell's Weekly Pearl"...(Feeling A Bit Neglected)



an advice column question about feeling neglected
I know I'm a day late...I do apologize, but it was busy around here yesterday! I do thank you for joining me for another edition of  "Michell's Weekly Pearl", where I seek to use Godly wisdom to offer encouragement. If this is your first time visiting, let me tell you a little about my advice series. This is where you can ask me anything on marriage, women's issues, family matters, relationships, parenting, homemaking, or life in general. If you want an honest, biblically based, to the point answer; email me your questions via prowessandpearls@gmail.com (please put "MWP" in the subject area). I'll post your question, along with my answer, anonymously. Easy as that! I'll also delete your email once I've transferred your question. To read all the questions and answers in this series, you can do so (HERE).




Keep sending those questions in!!! In the meantime, read on to see what "Feeling a Bit Neglected" asked...



Hey! I wanted to ask a question. As far as marriage and new parents goes, is it normal to kind of feel as if you’re a little distant from your spouse? Hubby and I don’t talk as much as we used to. We don’t have much time for each other and our focus is so much geared toward the kids. Kind of feels as if we’re neglecting each other might be a better way to explain it.

"Hi “Feeling a Bit Neglected”! Believe me when I say almost all new parents go through what you’re experiencing. The key is to find balance. I know, I know…easier said than done, right! :-) BUT, it can be done. The most important thing expectant parents should do is to make sure their relationship is solid, because when a child/children come into the picture…the dynamics change. Both spouses need to sit down and discuss (realistically) what changes may come. People have an unrealistic view that once kids come along, it’s all cute and cuddly like one of those "Huggies" commercials on t.v. When in reality, you’ve got crying and teething and getting up all hours of the night for feedings…the list goes, on and on. I think when parents discuss all the dynamics that come with raising children beforehand, it won’t come as a shock when those things do occur. To take it another step further, one characteristic a spouse AND a parent can’t/shouldn’t have is selfishness…why, because there are now other people added to the program who now must have your focus. The importance of having a strong marriage and having your game plan down before children come along is to ensure that when you do go through seasons like this, you’ll already be prepared for when the enemy throws fiery darts, i.e.(making you think your husband doesn’t love you, the children are a burden, so on and so on). You’ll already have in the back of your mind, how you’re going to counter attack, because it won’t come as a surprise to you!  Also, setting priorities is very important as new parents. Make sure BOTH parents have the same set of priorities or you’ll have a disaster on your hands. Yes, becoming new parents can make you feel as if you and your spouse are neglecting one another. That is normal, because all your focus is going towards getting your babies to a certain stage. But, be aware, that is only a season and seasons are only temporary! I encourage new mothers to enjoy their babies, because those years pass by so fast, however, there must be a balance. Many parents, especially mothers, fall into the trap of solely focusing on their children, which is normal, because many mothers are the primary caregivers during the day. But remember, children grow up and the only ones that will be left are you and your spouse. Please refer to #2 on my post "Michell's Marriage Musings", HERE for more on that subject. There is no foolproof solution, but what I can tell you...is that if both you and your husband get the wisdom of God concerning your situation, work together and establish your game plan now, you can make it work! My mother would always tell me when I first had kids and it seemed like I couldn't do it another second....was, that there was someone who did it long before I did and there will be someone who'll do it long after I'm gone. In other words, they made it happen and survived and so could I! :-)  But all, in all…if you have a great support system(family, friends, church family), ask for help and enjoy one another's company. It doesn’t always have to be going out. Sometimes a nice quiet evening alone together is all that’s needed to cure that feeling neglected bug!  Hope this helps…have a wonderful weekend!" Proverbs 24:3-4(AMP)

Readers...tell us how you survived those earlier stages of raising your kids? 





I’ve been married for over 24 years to my husband, a pastor. I’ve worked alongside him in ministry full-time for over 17 years. During that time, we've pioneered two ministries and I've established a women’s ministry(Women of Excellence). We have three adult children and a son-in-law.  My areas of specialty are family, marriage and women’s issues. Hopefully the (Godly)wisdom I’ve learned through my years of experience will lead you to and keep you on the road to doing you well!  As my husband always says...why spend your life going down a road you don't have to travel, when someone else has already learned the lesson and can show you how to avoid that path.  


*Disclaimer*: I don't profess to be an expert, but what I have learned...I'm willing to share.  With that being said...what I write on my blog is my opinion and advice. It is not my counsel. This also applies to anyone writing on this blog. If someone uses any advice, opinion or recommendation from this blog and is upset, angered, or harmed in any way, I am not to be held responsible or be held liable in any way. What I write on this blog is not to be taken as fact or absolute. My intention is to do no harm. The content in this blog is the opinion of this blogger and is not intended to disparage or malign anyone or anything that has the ability to be offended. I am not responsible, nor will I be held liable, for anything anyone says on this blog in the blog comments.
All Rights Reserved copyright© 2012-2013 Michell Pulliam “Prowess and Pearls” Devotionals by Michell Pulliam








 

18 comments:

  1. Thank u so much! "Its only a season and seasons are temporary"Such great wisdom and insight for couples that are expecting and new parents!

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    1. HEY JESS!! Yes ma'am, seasons are temporary! Thank you so much and thanks for stopping by...now if you could only get some more of your "fellow" sisters to stop by my blog, lol!! Have a good one Jess! Love ya!xoxo

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  2. Wonderful advice Michell!! Her question took me back to those hard years when children really took everything we had and there was little left for 'US'.

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    1. Thanks Chris! Oh yes girl...sometimes I wonder how we made it, but we did, didn't we?! Lol! Thanks for stopping by!

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  3. You rock at answering these questions! Amazing!!

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  4. I'm not married yet, but I'm getting older and I feel that I will want to have children right when I get married. No time for settling in, lol...what is your take on that...or you can use it for another weekly pearl Michell ;)

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    1. Haha Joi!! Hey, you know me girl...whatever floats your boat! My husband and I got married in January and had our first child October of that same year. I LOVED it, because I had energy BACK then, lol! Thanks for stopping by Joi!

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  5. Hi Michell! It is so nice to come over and see the lovely work you are doing for those who have questions. What a blessed ministry you must have with your husband. How generous of you to offer your wisdom to others. So inspiring. God is using him for such good.

    Thank you for visiting me today and leaving such encouragement.

    Peace, Ceil

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    1. Awww...thanks so much Ceil for your encouraging words my sister! You are so welcome, it was my honor! Thanks for stopping by...have a blessed week!

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  6. Your advice is here is so timely. My husband and I have been up to our ears with a number of things we sometimes don't get enough time just to talk about us. Thanks Michell, this was wonderful advice :)

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    1. Hey there my friend...so good to hear from you!! Thanks so much Anne! Yes, we can often get so caught up in life that we sometimes forget the people who mean the most to us. Thanks for stopping by!:-)

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  7. Great response!

    We've been married for 16 years now. We have an 11 yr old and a 9 yr old. When our boys were babies I did neglect my husband. Thankfully, my mother-in-law (love that woman!) gently told me what she saw. I didn't even know it was happening! My dearest husband never said a word. Luckily we are a rock solid couple and it wasn't something that could have torn us apart.

    Make time for each other.
    Hold hands while you veg in front of the tv if it's all you have the energy for.
    Tell each other how much you appreciate 'xyz.'
    Comment on the small things (positively).
    If you need help, ask for it.
    Have your supper after the kids are in bed once a week as a date night. Light some candles and just enjoy a hot meal together.
    Drop a note in his lunch or leave a note on the fridge.
    Be affectionate in front of your kids so they know what a loving relationship looks like.
    Smile at each other. :)
    Pray your heart out every morning and every night.

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    1. Thank God for the wise people He places in our lives(your MIL is definitely a gem)! Love your list Danica! Yes, we also made an effort to show affection in front of our kids...we wanted to be the example. Thanks so much for stopping by and sharing! Have a wonderful rest of your week!

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  8. Sound advice Michell. My hubby admitted that he felt a little jealous when we had our first child. We definitely talked about it and figured out ways to find balance that worked for us.

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  9. Hey Hope! That's the key...we'll never know how to fix something until we actually sit down and discuss it! Thanks for chiming in lady...have a wonderful week!

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Thanks so much for dropping by...I really appreciate it! Please check back for a response to your comment, as I post all responses to comments here on the blog, not via email. Please note, as this is a Christian blog...any comment that contains offensive and/or inappropriate language will be sent to the authorities...NAH, but seriously though, they WILL BE deleted. :-) Have a great day...I call you blessed! ;-)